The M-Theory: a beef

Philosophers have been all of a twitter this morning as the new Stephen Hawking book “The Grand Design” is released (or are books launched?).  Of course, I’ve not read it (nor am I likely to certainly not in its entirety), but I have been acquainted with some of the contents on the Today programme.  (OMG I can’t wait until Melyvn gets his mitts on it!)

“Philosophy is dead”  is one of Professor Hawking’s assertions.  As far as I can gather he says this because philosophers can’t do the maths.  They haven’t kept up with the theory of quantum, the string or the superstrings and as such have nothing to contribute on the matter of matter.  Neither does God according to Hawking.  The existence of matter, the universe and even more universe can be explained apparently by a bit of maths and physics and there is no need for us to trifle around with the quaint notion of a “creator”.  It is all just sums.

Of course I am oversimplifying, but that is the curse of being a great big fat brain book writer.  No-one really follows all of what you write, although they pretend they do.  I am not really pretending am I?  Never mind.  The M-theory seeks to pull together all the theories of creation and existence, taking a bit from each of the smorgasbord of Big Bangs, Cheese String, Half-Dead Cats, Apples in Lincolnshire and whatever Einstein was on.  In short, with these ingredients universes can make themselves.  Great isn’t it? 

No-one knows what the M in The Theory stands for either.  Meta, Master, Miracle, Mystery are all contenders.  Personally I think it stands for Mince.  As in Mince Theory: Cottage Pie, Spag Bol, Chilli con carne.   Beef Cattle are being slaughtered all over the country, so that we can cart home record quantities of mince from the supermarket.  For the first time, it’s been reported that sales of mince have outstripped all over cuts of beef.  This is bad for the beef industry and bad for our diet frankly, speaking as someone who last night dined on mince in the form of “Organic Duchy Beefburgers”.  What’s happening to all those steaks and roasting joints?  How much mince can you get off one cow?  Just like my stomach turns slightly when confronted with a packet of  multiple drumsticks (how many chickens are in there and what happened to the rest of them), so the thought of good beef going to mince is depressing.  If we must eat meat (and it seems I must) at least honour the beast you eat by buying a bit more than its cheap bits piled high on a never-ending offer in Tescos.

Don’t bother with the book.  The Makemeadiva Theory is this: the universe is made of mince.

Disclaimer:  I am not against mince or drumsticks I just think (and I have a family to feed on a finite budget too) that for each mince dish we should balance it out with a roast or some ox tail.  Oh, and we don’t have to eat meat every day, nor in the quantity of an American. 

Disclaimer 2: I am not American but I have been there and you guys do eat an awful quantity of processed meat.  Tut.

Posted on September 8, 2010, in Be not idle, Consumerism, News, Words and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I like a bit of rump, top sirloin, skirt and, cooked well, brisket. I eat lots of different bits of the cow, and rarely eat mince. If I do, it’s minced steak (polishes halo).

    I like that if I want lamb mince from my butcher I pick a bit of meat from the counter and he will go and mince it up for me there and then. I believe this is the way forward for beef and the only way to ensure that your mince isn’t full of gristle, fat, water and off cuts from the off cuts before they go into animal feed.

  2. I am glad to hear this. By the look of the diagram mince is all kneecaps and bottoms.

    • ‘so the thought of good beef going to mince is depressing’


      • Don’t try and and make me make perfect sense Mr Burger because I won’t always! The blog is part of my trying to puzzle it all out myself – with your help of course 😉

        What I think I meant was: are we eating so much more mince that the good bits are going to waste and then rather than waste they are being minced up? I can see that more of the cow is mince potential so it makes sense that proportionally on each cow you would get mince: which is better than wasting it. But I am uneasy with families eating just mince!

        In fact I used to cook for some children and between Mon-Fri they had two mince suppers by order – cottage pie and spag bol. A balanced diet or not.

        There you see, maybe what I said first was not accurate entirely but it were succinct and it did indeed keep the flow.

  3. First to Hawking. I’m honestly surprised he’s not had the decency to credit Kevin McCloud in the creation of everything and his Grand Design. Of course, he was at my college and used to whirr round the courtyatd and in to formal hall from time to time.

    As for the theory of mince – my world is made of that nasty soya substitue Quorn but I take that over the cow any day although if I did eat meat I would start with steak.

  4. Yeah, you might want to ask Greta and Mia’s opinion on that nasty soya substitute in their cottage pie…

  5. The Archbishops may side with Mia and Greta but won’t go for mince theory. Seriously though, it’s beyond me why they don’t come out in favour of the fellow who came up with those ineffable strings and dimensions in the first place. After all they make something out of nothing and nothing out of something. Much more plausible than designing every damn detail. Makes our existence and this blog even more remarkable. We should all be hugely grateful and lost in awe and admiration. Thanks to Him, or as M theory might have it Them, Three in One being a special case, we and the Archbishops do not have to understand the maths. All applaud that Hawking and his mates do.

  6. I’ll have to go back and look at all that superstring I think. Although a spag bol might combine the two theories beautifully 😉

    It is a bit ironic that as soon as you do a Phd in Physics you are giving the lie to Hawking’s statement about Philosophy!

  7. Caitlin Moran in The Times: “CW can’t be the only one who, on hearing of a book called Grand Designs automatically presumed it will be Kevin McCloud taking us on a tour of an amazing Scandinavian style eco house…. Instead CW opened up the book and found a load of maths and God and stuff – wholly useless for planning its new kitchen….”

  8. We really should try and get a handle on this M business. I suspect it is not all down to maths, but proving my point might be impossible…

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