The Regimen of a Middle-Aged Woman
If you are expecting to read about a whole bunch of frenetic exercise that I go in for, move along because there is nothing to see here. In the regard of raising the whole heart rate shizzle, I find that workaday anxiety can do that quite effectively already. Yes, there is the dog, that I walk everyday – that however is rather more of a slope around a field than a brisk cardio session. True, I joined a leisure centre at the close of last year, but that was primarily for tennis court bookings for free, swimming and the odd cardio tennis session. I am currently not in attendance, obvs.
No, my regimen is more alternative in nature. An attempt to stave off the gathering gloom of health predicaments that threaten to overcome me at any moment.
Call me a hypochondriac, if you must. I prefer to think of myself as more akin to the Ladybird publication ‘The Princess and the Pea’, a young woman so sensitive she was bruised by a single pea under a mountain of mattresses when she stayed over at the Prince’s house one time.
Health anxiety means that every twinge is cancer. But with cancer seeming to be on the increase (even as survival rates improve) it’s no wonder many of us are anxious. People with cancer do not always like to have the process of treatment and survival described as a battle. The ultimate meaning of that metaphor being that if they eventually die (as we all must) the battle metaphor somehow infers loss, weakness.
And whilst, rationally, I utterly take this point – my own regimen often puts me in mind of a military campaign, and there’s actually not really too much wrong with me.
And yet. There are the following foot soldiers to keep an eye on: turmeric capsules, coconut oil, black cohosh, Menopace, antihistamine, COQ10, rutin, bee propolis, zinc and vitamin C lozenges, frankincense balm.
And the mercenaries: all manner of tissue salts, sepia, silica, hypericum, tea tree oil, colloidal silver, echinacea, goldenseal, chrysanthemum flowers, ginseng, tiger balm, calendula, niacin, B vits, calcium, magnesium… The list is almost endless.
I take them. They work a bit. I forget to take them. I take them. They work a lot – too much in fact. I stop taking them.
Middle- age is starting to feel like a war footing. I don’t suppose things are going to improve.