An outrage occurred this afternoon on Epsom Downs: a horse got beat. The Queen’s horse got beat. The favourite in the market GOT BEAT. Of course we are all morally outraged by this…this… treason. One needs to apportion blame and somehow and in grudging fashion hand over the winner’s trophy to sit on une FRENCH mantelpiece.
The blog, having heard from everyone and the kitchen sink this afternoon, decided to talk to the horse that GOT BEAT direct. This is what the desperately, unlucky and we can hardly credit it vanquished hero said.
Terribly hot afternoon what? Didn’t fancy it greatly to be honest. Got a bit hot under the collar down to the start. Then those proles shoved me in the stalls well early, so I had a little nap and missed the orf. Well that didn’t bother me much, after all I am the Queen’s Horse and it was one’s Right Royal Destiny to win The Derby. So orf I galloped and Ryan, the pilot, did his best but what with taking our own time to get going we had to run absolutely miles off course because the peasants on those carthorses just did not get out of my way. Do they know who I am?
Well eventually I managed to get a bit of a wriggle on down the hill but, and would you believe this, one’s front shoe flew orf and then some froggy horse came whizzing past my right nostril and they said he had won. Well of course, the young froggy chap had realised his terrible treachery immediately he went past me. He stood up in his stirrups and tried to stop his horse Pour Moi (geddit) by hauling on its mouth before the winning post and then, in desperation, he flung his arm in the air in an admission of guilt. ‘Mea culpa’ he shouted at me in abject apology over his shoulder. Oh, what had he done? Ruined the country’s good day out, that’s what.
Orf with his head!
And then there was a great wailing and many gnashings of teeth throughout the land. Republican plot and conspiracy theories abound. Tonight, fat bookies get fatter on the nation’s hard-earned dough, invested in good faith in the Royal Horse who woz robbed, and the ever-loyal Clare Balding went home in tears and ate her hat in protest.
Well, well, well. Kieren Fallon comes a cropper in the law courts.
Native Khan’s owner, Ibrahim Araci, has been successful in his appeal to prevent Fallon from riding Recital this afternoon and the sensational story has usurped the favourite in the market, the Queen’s horse, in the racing headlines.
Going into the race it has all been about Her Maj’s Carlton House and his twanged leg tendon. Now we will be hanging off our seats going round Tattenham Corner to see if Fallon’s intended mount, Recital, is running like a Derby winner and Native Khan’s Araci will be wanting right to be on his side for the second time in a day in the UK.
Imagine the equivalent in another sport? Injunction prevents footballer playing in a Cup Final. Legal ramifications may abound. But that’s for another day.
Today we have the Queen, the Aga Khan, the Turk and the Irish, plus a billion punters. What story are they going to back this afternoon with so many to choose from.
Now, with a little help from the judge, one of the most intriguing narratives of the day belongs to Recital.
Pat Smullen is forgoing a date in Tramore, Ireland this afternoon and hot-footing over to the Epsom Downs to partner Recital. I don’t really rate the form of that horse myself – Fallon may know better than me of course, but I would like to see Native Khan come home in front of that one, for both the craic and on pedigree.
Then there is Carlton House, belonging to the Queen. She has never had the Derby winner, so a first winner for her and a sixth winner for her trainer, Sir Michael Stoute, would be a nice headline for the Sunday papers. Better yet that she saves her first winner of the Derby for her Diamond Jubilee year (that’s 2012)?
Best story: Native Khan wins, making Fallon a liar and a fool
Second best: The Queen wins and a nation rejoices
Third best: Recital wins and the British justice system prevails
Ok, not buying that analysis? Try this instead.
Ballydoyle run 4 – yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn. Of the four, I would take Seville.
I can’t have anything by Montjeu today so that narrows things down nicely. And I find I am bored of typing now so I will leave it as a combination forecast involving Native Khan, Seville and Vadamar. Oh I am nothing if not rigorous in my analysis…