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Get Rid of Gideon

I’ve never thought much of him, that George ‘Gideon’ Osborne.

I’ve said in the past he and his cronies are taking a dangerous gamble and, given the influence of the Eurozone debacle, its now obvious how wrong it’s going.

I can only conclude that if we keep this crew for the full-term then we must be nothing short of a bunch of masochists. Not to mention, fairly stupid.

When’s Gideon going to stop blaming variously: Labour, the global financial collapse, snow, weddings, the Eurozone (whose growth forecasts exceed our own) and go and have a look in his own mirror?

If I were in the vicinity, I’d trace the rather impressive-looking but miniscule figure of the drop-in-the-ocean bankers’ tax across his reflection.

0.008%???

*inserts picture of a pile of steaming horseshit*

A reason to be grumpy

One word: George. I have heard some strong language from media pundits about tomorrow’s spending review.

The market wants to see the streets of Whitehall run with blood

This is a ludicrous macro economic experiment that no other country is doing

I don’t know enough about economics to form an opinion either way but it seems clear that growth is key to climbing out of stagnation and as someone said this week “the UK economy is just bumping along on the bottom”. He didn’t say the bottom of what. I suppose if it was Katie Perry’s or Kylie Minogue’s no-one would mind too much. Business wants to grow, but that can surely only be hampered by the upturn in unemployment that these cuts are certainly going to lead to.

I had an overnight theory: that Osborne is a pasty-faced masochist who must have enjoyed some kind of brutal childhood at a particularly jolly public school, but his Wikipedia page says he merely attended some gaff in West London so he probably spent every night tucked up in his own bed with his teddy. Bang goes that theory. Still though, he just gives off this air of half-enjoying the things he’s talked about. Alan Johnson the Shadow Chancellor is a far more avuncular figure. Or, even, bring back Kenneth Clarke. Osborne is cut from the same cloth of previous Tory pantomime villain Chancellors: Nigel Lawson – boooo, Norman Lamont – hisssss.

I don’t think I am going to like the message, I don’t like the messenger and I have realised that he shares a birthday with two ex-boyfriends (23rd May) neither of which had happy outcomes. This relationship is doomed George.

Now if a certain blue-cardiganed colleague and friend is reading this I would just like to say peel yourself off the ceiling because you are The Tory With Heart my darling, and I wish you were in charge x

I don't work with Joan - she shares a birthday with George

…the virtue of financial prudence…

we have to relearn this apparently. What a gem. Did it spill from the lips of a Victorian Do-Gooder hellbent on reforming the undeserving poor who would so tiresomely insist on lying in the gutters and supping gin with their beggings? No, it came from Georgie Porgie Osborne who is around my age, but is wedded to using the patronising, patriarchal language of a total twat.

Now that’s off my chest I can say that the budget has disappointed me, not particularly because of what it contained, but because it was pretty standard stuff. There are clearly many more ways to skin the cat of the budget deficit over the next few years and I had hoped that at least a few of them were going to be exciting, daring even. As far as I can see it is pay freezes, VAT rises and jigging with the handouts.

Oh what a missed opportunity George. You may be all natty and young, but your ideas are as old hat as the language you couched them in. Your cuts have not so much offered us one Saville Row suit to hang in our wardrobe, admire and try to diet into but, rather a selection of plastic supermarket suits that fit us all badly and are a magnet for dog hair.

Never being one for wall-to-wall criticism I would like to offer an alternative makemeadiva budget that I think could save money and look good too.

  • Abolish child benefit for those on over £50K a year – they like it George but they don’t need it.
  • Raise taxes on fags, booze and reintroduce them to *gambling – you know we’re luvvin it, luvvin it, luvvin it but it’s bad for our health and costs money in policing and health budgets.
  • Introduce a window tax, it will cause public unrest but it will make good headlines
  • Send children up chimneys to see if anyone left their life savings up there

There is £10.3 billion turnover a year on gaming machines.
There is a about £100 million turnover a year on the Grand National and an average race on Betfair would see maybe £300,000 traded, one race at a big meeting on the weekend would see in excess of £1 million regularly staked.

I would tax the layers 5% on losing stakes and the punter 5% on winning stakes. That way there’s an upside to losing and on a race like the Grand National you are looking at the deficit trousering about £5 million in one afternoon…