I have had a full one for about twenty years now and it is a clean as a whistle, despite my being stopped doing in excess of 110 mph on the M4 once. I have never collected a single point which, considering some of the driving I have gone in for, is a minor miracle. This is by no means a boast though, it is actually more of a Thank God For That because if they wanted to put points on my licence I have no idea where it has got to.
I don’t think I have seen the tattered piece of pink and green paper since the last Tory government, but as I never hire cars or collect points it doesn’t seem to have mattered.
Now though, it does. I have some other government form that needs to know if I have a licence and what the driver number is. I know I wrote that number down once as a precaution in the event of the paper licence being lost, but I can’t remember where I wrote it and anyway I have probably lost that too. I do have a vague awareness of the formula the DVLA use to produce driver numbers and that gets me nearly all the way there to producing the right number for the form barring the last two letters/numbers. I forget which.
So now I have ruled out concocting the right driver’s number for the form, I have a problem. The DVLA are cool though. On their online form they say, don’t worry, just tell us the last address that the licence was registered at. And I can’t remember. Well I can guess and I think it was Allerton Road N16, but I can’t remember the number. And I can’t get it off Google Maps so far. The only way I can really nail the right number is to go to Stoke Newington and go down the road and check the houses opposite and work it out that way. I think it’s forty-something, like me.
Now, how in the hell have I managed to get so damn disorganised? And whilst I faff about thinking about going to Stoke Newington the official form I need to send off molders on the mantlepiece. I have had two eminently sensible and organised people tell me to call the DVLA but there is never going to be the right day to invite that kind of stress into my life. Any volunteers?