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The M-Theory: a beef

Philosophers have been all of a twitter this morning as the new Stephen Hawking book “The Grand Design” is released (or are books launched?).  Of course, I’ve not read it (nor am I likely to certainly not in its entirety), but I have been acquainted with some of the contents on the Today programme.  (OMG I can’t wait until Melyvn gets his mitts on it!)

“Philosophy is dead”  is one of Professor Hawking’s assertions.  As far as I can gather he says this because philosophers can’t do the maths.  They haven’t kept up with the theory of quantum, the string or the superstrings and as such have nothing to contribute on the matter of matter.  Neither does God according to Hawking.  The existence of matter, the universe and even more universe can be explained apparently by a bit of maths and physics and there is no need for us to trifle around with the quaint notion of a “creator”.  It is all just sums.

Of course I am oversimplifying, but that is the curse of being a great big fat brain book writer.  No-one really follows all of what you write, although they pretend they do.  I am not really pretending am I?  Never mind.  The M-theory seeks to pull together all the theories of creation and existence, taking a bit from each of the smorgasbord of Big Bangs, Cheese String, Half-Dead Cats, Apples in Lincolnshire and whatever Einstein was on.  In short, with these ingredients universes can make themselves.  Great isn’t it? 

No-one knows what the M in The Theory stands for either.  Meta, Master, Miracle, Mystery are all contenders.  Personally I think it stands for Mince.  As in Mince Theory: Cottage Pie, Spag Bol, Chilli con carne.   Beef Cattle are being slaughtered all over the country, so that we can cart home record quantities of mince from the supermarket.  For the first time, it’s been reported that sales of mince have outstripped all over cuts of beef.  This is bad for the beef industry and bad for our diet frankly, speaking as someone who last night dined on mince in the form of “Organic Duchy Beefburgers”.  What’s happening to all those steaks and roasting joints?  How much mince can you get off one cow?  Just like my stomach turns slightly when confronted with a packet of  multiple drumsticks (how many chickens are in there and what happened to the rest of them), so the thought of good beef going to mince is depressing.  If we must eat meat (and it seems I must) at least honour the beast you eat by buying a bit more than its cheap bits piled high on a never-ending offer in Tescos.

Don’t bother with the book.  The Makemeadiva Theory is this: the universe is made of mince.

Disclaimer:  I am not against mince or drumsticks I just think (and I have a family to feed on a finite budget too) that for each mince dish we should balance it out with a roast or some ox tail.  Oh, and we don’t have to eat meat every day, nor in the quantity of an American. 

Disclaimer 2: I am not American but I have been there and you guys do eat an awful quantity of processed meat.  Tut.