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…the virtue of financial prudence…

we have to relearn this apparently. What a gem. Did it spill from the lips of a Victorian Do-Gooder hellbent on reforming the undeserving poor who would so tiresomely insist on lying in the gutters and supping gin with their beggings? No, it came from Georgie Porgie Osborne who is around my age, but is wedded to using the patronising, patriarchal language of a total twat.

Now that’s off my chest I can say that the budget has disappointed me, not particularly because of what it contained, but because it was pretty standard stuff. There are clearly many more ways to skin the cat of the budget deficit over the next few years and I had hoped that at least a few of them were going to be exciting, daring even. As far as I can see it is pay freezes, VAT rises and jigging with the handouts.

Oh what a missed opportunity George. You may be all natty and young, but your ideas are as old hat as the language you couched them in. Your cuts have not so much offered us one Saville Row suit to hang in our wardrobe, admire and try to diet into but, rather a selection of plastic supermarket suits that fit us all badly and are a magnet for dog hair.

Never being one for wall-to-wall criticism I would like to offer an alternative makemeadiva budget that I think could save money and look good too.

  • Abolish child benefit for those on over £50K a year – they like it George but they don’t need it.
  • Raise taxes on fags, booze and reintroduce them to *gambling – you know we’re luvvin it, luvvin it, luvvin it but it’s bad for our health and costs money in policing and health budgets.
  • Introduce a window tax, it will cause public unrest but it will make good headlines
  • Send children up chimneys to see if anyone left their life savings up there

There is £10.3 billion turnover a year on gaming machines.
There is a about £100 million turnover a year on the Grand National and an average race on Betfair would see maybe £300,000 traded, one race at a big meeting on the weekend would see in excess of £1 million regularly staked.

I would tax the layers 5% on losing stakes and the punter 5% on winning stakes. That way there’s an upside to losing and on a race like the Grand National you are looking at the deficit trousering about £5 million in one afternoon…

George’s Big Bad Ass Budget?

I am as nervous as a little pig this morning wondering what Osborne of the Exchequer might have in his briefcase for me and the other public sectors piggies who have been allegedly troughing away under the stewardship of Farmer Brown. My father has already identified a few savings that can be made from the swill bucket of the public sector – the Yorkshire Regional Development Agency having their own offices in Tokyo for example. Here on the sharp end, where I have never claimed a taxi fare ever or indeed the rent on a Japanese office, I am a bit more worried how savings might be made without impacting on some vital services. It’s too late now of course, but Chancellor if you huff and puff too hard you might blow the whole house down…

This is not a picture of a pig, a wolf, a fat farmer or a swill bucket, but it sums up what today will mean for many even better than I can!

The Makemeadiva Budget (with orange undertones)

Sometimes I feel like my head’s been in a deep fat fryer. When that happens life looks like this.

I can get through the inevitable Budget Day waffle if I think of it like a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Of course Darling Alistair looks nothing like Johnny Depp but the Disney Darling likeness is spooky.

I was going to spray paint the whole Budget briefcase orange but I just went for some light defacing in the end. Actually, they should bin that battered thing and give him a shiny tangerine suitcase on wheels. I’m thinking Pucci.